Relationships

Your Relationship with Yourself

Ron Hopkins — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 14:45:00 -0500

I am afraid it has been too long since I last posted. I have not stopped thinking about relationships though. In fact, I have been thinking quite a lot about Intrapersonal Relationships. Those relationships that one has with oneself. As I stated in an earlier article, to have a healthy relationship with another, you must first have a healthy relationship with yourself. You cannot depend on someone else for your sense of peace and identity. You have to first be comfortable living life within your own skin. Now, this may seem somewhat fundamental, but how many people can you think of that have entered into relationships with the primary intent of not feeling lonely or to find happiness?

I certainly believe that relationships bring enhanced happiness to one's life, but that person must first be happy with themselves. I am really made to think that we get that backwards sometimes. In other words, I need to first be happy, then I can be in a relationship that enhances that happiness and hopefully enhance the happiness of the other person. This really is the foundation of our primary relationships and friendships.

Now the next question that you might ask is "How do I find this personal happiness"? I really do wish I could answer that one, but I think you know that I am not capable of that. I am only capable of answering that for myself. However, for me, it is really understanding my "purpose" in life and to answer the question of "why am I here". I do know that my own sense of fulfillment and grace comes from touching the life of someone else. One of my favorite sayings is "Those things that you do for yourself die with you. Those things that you do for others live forever". I want to leave a legacy that will last and the more I do for others, the greater that legacy will be. This brings me the peace and contentment that sustains me through this life.

Now, as long as I can continue to live this way, I believe that this allows me to have healthy and happy relationships. Almost goes in circles, doesn't it? Just some thoughts. I hope it will stimulate you to think more about your own sense of self and your relationships.

Until next time.

Trust Based Relationships

Ron Hopkins — Tue, 03 Apr 2007 12:04:00 -0500

All relationships are based on degrees of trust. I recently did a presentation on trust based relationships and I would like to share this online. First, it is important to define "trust":

Trust is “A psychological state comprising the intention to accept vulnerability based upon positive expectations of the intentions or behavior of another”

The important word in the above definition is vulnerability. Many people are not ready to place themselves in a vulnerable position, which is a required condition for trust.

Dimensions of Trust

There are three dimensions of trust that must also be achieved. Ability, Integrity and Benevolence. The more we observe these characteristics in another person, our level of trust in that person is likely to grow.

Ability refers to an assessment of the other's knowledge, skill, or competency. This dimension recognizes that trust requires some sense that the other is able to perform in a manner that meets our expectations.

Integrity is the degree to which the trustee adheres to principles that are acceptable to the trustor. This dimension leads to trust based on consistency of past actions, credibility of communication, commitment to standards of fairness, and the congruence of the other's word and deed.

Benevolence is our assessment that the trusted individual is concerned enough about our welfare to either advance our interests, or at least not impede them. The other's perceived intentions or motives of the trustee are most central. Honest and open communication, delegating decisions, and sharing control indicate evidence of one's benevolence.

Levels of Trust

Trust builds along a continuum of hierarchical and sequential stages, such that as trust grows to "higher" levels, it becomes stronger and more resilient and changes in character.

Level 1 - Calculus Based Trust (CBT)

Individuals will carefully calculate how the other party is likely to behave in a given situation depending on the rewards for being trustworthy and the deterrents against untrustworthy behavior.

Trust will only be extended to the other to the extent that this cost-benefit calculation indicates that the continued trust will yield a net positive benefit. Over time, calculus-based trust can be built as individuals manage their reputation and assure the stability of their behavior by behaving consistently, meeting agreed-to deadlines, and fulfilling promises. CBT is a largely cognitively-driven trust phenomenon, grounded in judgments of the trustees predictability and reliability.

Level 2 - Individual Based Trust (IBT)

As individuals come to a deeper understanding of each other through repeated interactions, they may become aware of shared values and goals. This allows trust to grow to a higher and qualitatively different level. When trust evolves to the highest level, it is said to function as identification-based trust.

At this stage trust has been built to the point that the parties have internalized each other's desires and intentions. They understand what the other party really cares about so completely that each party is able to act as an agent for the other. Trust at this advanced stage is also enhanced by a strong emotional bond between the parties, based on a sense of shared goals and values.

One way to test your relationship is to look at whether you are engaging through CBT or IBT and hopefully move more towards IBT to establish a much more meaningful relationship.

Until next time.

Relationships Require Commitment

Ron Hopkins — Tue, 27 Feb 2007 21:12:00 -0600

Relationships require commitment. Commitments are an interesting phenomena. They require you to actually promise to deliver something to someone else, or in some case to yourself. In relationships, a commitment is a contract between two people. One commits to do something and the other accepts this and sets expectations. Over time, a relationship is strengthened or weakened based on one another's ability to deliver on the commitment.

Commitments are also how trust is built. Fail to deliver on the commitments and I promise you that the trust factor will suffer tremendously. Relationships may be fueled on love, but without trust, love will not hold a relationship together. Commitments also carry a time element. Commitments are best defined as -----> Who----->What----->When. Who is going to do it, what will be done, and by when it will be done. This may sound trivial, but commitments need to contain clarity, especially in regards to when it will be done. Many times we depend on someone to follow through and complete something so we can deliver on what we promised. When things are not done in a timely manner, it will erode the trust in a relationship. Commitments delivered late impact a relationship and weaken it. Trust is an earned gift and once gone is very difficult to get back.

Until next time

There is no "Plan B" for relationships

Ron Hopkins — Thu, 18 Jan 2007 04:19:00 -0600

We all engage in many different types of relationships. The focus in this brief is on "primary relationships, those vital to our own well being. These are the relationships we have with our partner, spouse, immediate families, etc. These are the relationships that are linked by blood or vows, commitments and promises. These are the relationships that are most primary and contribute most to "who we are". It is within the realms of these relationships that there is no turning back. There is no Plan B!

Most of us always want to have a contingency plan, an alternative method or way when events disrupt our plans. We sometimes treat relationships this way. It is quite easy to say "If things don't work out, then there is always a way to get out or just separate or part ways", but when many lives may be tremendously affected, we need to make a fundamental change in how we view and engage these primary relationships. Walking away, separation, divorce should not be an easy option, unless there is some danger due to abuse in the relationship. Relationships require a great amount of work to maintain and grow and all avenues should be explored before just quitting or giving up.

Many people never understand the chaos and disruption of lives that occur when a decision is made to end a relationship. The consequences may not manifest until days, weeks and even years later. It can leave lives in disrepair and psychological carnage that can take years to heal. When you enter into or are born into a primary relationship, make a commitment to do everything humanly possible to make it a successful and healthy relationship. Plan for success and do not have a contingency plan when the going gets a little rough.

Until next time.

It Takes Two Healthy People to have a Healthy Relationship

Ron Hopkins — Wed, 03 Jan 2007 13:09:00 -0600

It takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship. One person healthy and one unhealthy will equate to an unhealthy relationship. Of course, two unhealthy people render a disastrous relationship. Here is a great example from Gary Smalley:

"Picture yourself in a rowboat, gliding down the river with your friend or coworker or spouse. Suddenly an argument erupts. You see a shotgun resting in the bottom of the boat, and to make your point, you seize the gun and start blowing holes in the bottom of your little vessel."

"You might get your point across—but what happens to the boat? It sinks. And who's in the boat? Your partner … and you. What a fine time you'll have, celebrating your "victory" all the way to the bottom of the river!"

"Remember this: in any kind of significant relationship, you can't win unless the other person also wins. So in your own best interest, you have to make sure that he or she wins. For exactly the same reason, the other person has to make sure that you win. The only alternative is that you both lose."

When you choose to enter into a significant relationship with another person, you're also choosing to become a member of a team. All relationships involve choice. You can choose whether that team is going to succeed or fail. You decide whether it brings you pain or delight. It's your choice. Relationships take a lot of work. They are guaranteed to fail if the proper investment of time and effort is not put forth.

Until next time.

The Art of Relationships

Ron Hopkins — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 20:05:00 -0600

Relationships are the most important aspect of life. Relationships invade every area and moment of life. Every particle in the universe is related in some way or another. For humans, when all else is finished, we will be remembered by our relationships and the impact we had on the lives of others. Nothing else matters. Our material success means very little, our legacy is our relationships.

Anais Nin writes: "Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." Our lives are molded and made by our relationships and they are assets that we must invest tremendous time and effort into.

Over the next year, I am going to use this space to write about relationships. I want to use this opportunity to record all of the ideas and thoughts that I have about relationships and how important they are in my life. My wife and I lost a dear friend today, and my two sons lost a Godmother. I leave you today with one final thought:

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.”

Until next time.